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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24121042">Things Elnor Knows To Be True</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoluptuousPanic/pseuds/VoluptuousPanic'>VoluptuousPanic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Picard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adulthood, Angst, Being a Qalankhkai Probably Sucks, Choices, Gen, Grief, If You Squint - Freeform, What it Feels Like for a Boy, you can never go home again</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:29:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,238</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24121042</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoluptuousPanic/pseuds/VoluptuousPanic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A lot goes on in Elnor's head. It just doesn't come out that way. Elnor knows it is true that he will never see Vashti again. That he can never go home, for he doesn’t have one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elnor &amp; Hugh | Third of Five, Elnor (Star Trek) &amp; Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Things Elnor Knows To Be True</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elnor knows it is true that the Qowat Milat initiate him to mysteries that go far beyond Absolute Candor, sword skill with the tan qalanq, or the correct way to kneel or squat comfortably for a period of hours or longer. Elnor knows that it takes three gentle breaths to bring dry tinder to flame from a single spark. That the fatwood cut from red heart of the crooked trees that grow in the scrub surrounding the rock dome behind the settlement is the best kindling for a fire to stoke the kiln, while the white heartwood of the flame trees that have red leaves that never fall is best to stoke the beehive ovens in the convent’s bakery and brewery. That the fragrant, resinous interior of the dried branches of the spindly silver trees that grow on the savannah is best to burn in the temple. Each has their own scent that remind him of their purpose, each different branches of necessity, industry, comfort, home. Elnor knows that each year’s replanting of seeds from the Federation Seed Bank has a consistent yield of nearly identical fruit, vegetables, grains, and legumes, all that could easily be replicated should the crops fail. He also knows that the Rihannsu and Vulcan analogues to these same seeds, as well as those from further afield, that grow nearly wild in great variety in the dusty margins of cultivation, are the staples of the convent kitchens. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that it is no more difficult to feed the poor and aged in the settlements than it is to feed just the sixty or so women and girls in the convent. That once the ovens are stoked, bread can be made throughout the day and night as long as the fires are kept alight and that more dough is kneaded, risen, knocked, and set to rise again, and the leavening fed. These have been his tasks since he was a small child, and it is true that they have honed his mind and body as keenly as Qowat Milat teachings and the discipline of the tan qalanq. Bread has taught him patience and gentleness as much as fearlessness and strength. It is also true that Elnor worries that the people of the settlement will know greater hunger should he not be there to mind the yeast and the fires. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true more often than not that women are born into the Qowat Milat, rather than joining the order, and that there are male children born in the convent too, but that they are spirited out and fostered elsewhere. Elnor knows that he was taken in because he had nowhere else to go, and in the early years of the settlements on Vashti, families that hadn’t already been blessed with a child were in no position to take on another mouth to feed. And that Zani had lost a child and couldn’t bear to send him away. He also knows that the Qowat Milat choose to live apart, yet all do not take vows of chastity as monastics on other worlds do. Like the upper echelon of the Tal Shiar and the Zhat Vash, the Qowat Milat are an order without men, or rather, they are the chaos that exists without the order of men. And that men visit the convent at harvest for Eitreih-hveinn, and that at least one baby usually follows the next year. Elnor knows the mechanics of these processes, for with Absolute Candor, sex can hold no mystery. For Elnor what is true is that it is a mystery how his life will unfold when he realizes that he is as taken with some of the men who come for Eitreih-hveinn as they are with him. When he tells Zani, she holds him in her arms and tells him it is true she has always known. After that day, it is also true that being called “Sister Boy” no longer makes Elnor laugh inside, though it makes him feel no shame. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true, now that he has read twice all the books that Picard made available to the convent, that Shakespeare is superior to Dumas. He also knows it is true that Tel’laa’vor is superior to both, yet he does not enjoy reading scripture. For in his heart, Elnor believes stories and parables are tools and not truth. For this Elnor feels shame. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that Picard has abandoned him, left him to Zani, the other Mothers, the Abbess and the Anchoress who lives in the wall, and his Sisters. What Elnor learns to be true as he grows older is that he was not abandoned out of neglect or because he is a burden. He was no more a burden on Picard than he is a burden on the convent. Elnor knows it is true that the greater responsibility one bears, the more obligations one must carry, and there is less time available to be meted out for people or passions that are uncomplicated and require little effort, for it always seems that there will be time later. Elnor knows it is true that he is uncomplicated, without guile, avarice, or sarcasm, and that it makes others uneasy. Elnor also knows that he is loved, by Zani and his Sisters, if not by the other Mothers, the Abbess or the Anchoress who lives in the wall. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that the Federation is a flawed empire. It is true that they have fostered cooperation between many peoples and have made certain sectors and certain worlds safe. Yet, he also knows it is true that the Federation leaves destruction in its wake when it arrives with grand ideas and plans and departs before implementation. Elnor knows that Vashti is a casualty of two empires, and the Qowat Milat operate in a slender space of power that is separate from both. It is true that Elnor has been urged to take greater interest in the political and social workings of Vashti, but he can see that neither hold space for Absolute Candor. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that the kheh grown and the Virinat khellid kept by the Qowat Milat are carefully guarded commodities essential for brewing. He also knows that what is called Romulan ale is a distilled spirit and not a beer, because he has worked the mash for both, and has stoked the still where ale turns to spirit. Since becoming a man he is barred from the brewery and spirit house alike, just as he is barred from imbibing, even though he cannot be Qowat Milat. It is true he knows the taste of neither spirit nor ale, but he does know the table wine made by his Sisters and the intoxicating sweetness of khellid honey and how it fluoresces in the dark of the hives, and in the mouth. How Elnor and the girl Jisit, together on a blanket in the dark, laugh over fruit and tart cheese and bread and raw syrup that glows ghostly blue the night they are sent to the hills together to perhaps learn to be something to one another that they cannot. Jisit is almost as tall and strong and lithe as he and comes from the convent at the other settlement, but has not yet made the decision to become a Sister. It is true that instead of taking one another Elnor and Jisit trade short-bladed tanto and he takes off Jisit’s headscarf only to shave her head, though she refuses to do the same for him when he asks.  When he tells Zani after Jisit returns to the other settlement, Zani holds him in her arms for the last time and thanks him for being a protector to his Sisters. Elnor still does not understand the secret that is kept from him. Because he cannot be Qowat Milat. He learns only that Jisit will take orders to become what he cannot. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that he will never see Vashti again. That he can never go home, for he doesn’t have one. Vashti, though it was home the years he lived in the convent with Mother Zani, the other Mothers, the Abbess and the Anchoress who lives in the wall, and his Sisters, is no longer a place he can return. He knows it is true that the life Vashti would afford him is not one he wants, but he knows that his path is unclear. What he knows is true is that the path that Zani wanted for him was not to be. And he knows it is true that he tried, and that Jisit tried. He knows that Zani’s plan was well intentioned and well conceived, and that when he and Jisit became friends, and laughed and shirked chores together rather than becoming lovers, it was because she wished for Elnor’s freedom as much as he wished he could take her orders. Elnor knows it is true that the desire to be someone or complete them or share what they have without being offered it first is unsuitable foundation for love of any kind. He wanted to be Jisit, for if he had what she had, he could take orders and be Qowat Milat. Elnor knows he can be only Elnor, and that wanting to be anything other than Elnor is a betrayal of the teachings that made him who he is, but that what he is prevents him from following those teachings beyond the place he now finds himself. One of these truths makes his head hurt, the other his heart. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that the others on <i>La Sirena</i> think that he is simple, and treat him like a child until he makes the choice they see is crazy. And brave. Elnor’s truth and purpose is to exist in the service of lost causes. To die in that service is no more or less honorable than to live a long life having served many such causes. Honor is irrelevant. Death is irrelevant. The teachings of the Qowat Milat and Absolute Candor show him so and anchor him to the present, where life is experienced in the moment. The past has happened and the future is yet to be. Sem n'hak kon. There is only now. There is no fate. There is only truth. The truth is that his purpose on <i>La Sirena</i> is to kill. He has no cause and Picard is not his master. Elnor is a weapon bound by morals. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that with Hugh, he feels love that goes beyond the bond of family or the battle that they find themselves in. It is true that those few small moments mean something, that the lives lost mean something, and that Hugh’s smaller and stronger hand in his own means something in those seconds. It is true that Elnor has never known such beauty in a man, though Hugh is neither young, nor perfectly formed. But he is worthy of Elnor, both man and qalankhkai. Elnor will never believe Hugh’s hope is foolish. When he tells Seven after they are safe again on <i>La Sirena</i> and he finds the strength to ask to know everything, Seven tells him of Icheb who is also lost, and that it is true Hugh is her brother in the same way that Jisit is Elnor’s sister. It is true that Elnor’s heart is broken anew when Seven shows him a degraded holo-image that she keeps with her few belongings in Raffi’s quarters. The image is of Seven, who is younger but less beautiful, together with Icheb who is Brunali and wears a Star Fleet uniform, a lean and sharp-featured Bajoran xB that Seven calls Six, and Hugh who is young and smiling shyly, the ruined left half of his face turned into Six’s shoulder. It is night and they are together on a bridge in a place on Earth that Elnor knows is called San Francisco. Elnor wants to touch the surfaceless image and knows it is true that he wishes he could touch Hugh again with the same tenderness. Seven holds Elnor’s hand. And later Raffi holds him in her arms and lets him cry again and somehow she offers comfort in a way that Zani could not. </p><p>Elnor knows it is true that after Coppelius and the months that follow, were there a place for him on Vashti, he would return to Mother Zani, or perhaps go to Jisit in the other settlement. He would return to the convent, to the ovens and the kilns, to mind fires, chop wood, carry water, and wait for another worthy cause that he would let take him. Were there a place for him in the convent, he would shave his head and don the black robes to take orders, and sit at Zani’s feet. Were there not a place for him with Zani, it is true that he would go to Jisit, to be her Sister since they could not find it in themselves to neatly bind themselves together as mates. But it is not to be, and there is no place with the Qowat Milat, for Elnor is a boy, and can never return to Vashti. And it is true that he is alone on <i>La Sirena</i> amongst others who are as lost and lonely as he.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The things that happen when you're just trying to write some slash...</p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252490">[PODFIC] Things Elnor Knows To Be True, by VoluptuousPanic</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thimblerig/pseuds/Thimblerig">Thimblerig</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
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